Betrothed

 

I came back from the long weekend in Hong Kong as a bride-to-be.

 

As he knelt down, one-kneed, on the ground of the large balcony overlooking Pok Fu Lam at The Peak, under the harsh glare of one very orange spotlight, proffering one very shiny engagement ring, I thought to myself, geez, is this the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, however long that may be?

 

As I’ve learnt with the passing of my beloved mother two years ago, you may very well go out into the world armed with a checklist of requirements for your potential mate – whether he should: be tall, taller than you at least, be rich, or the very least gainfully employed, be able to converse in 4 languages, carry on a decent conversation, drive a European car, agree to drive most weekends, listen exclusively to Indie music but still dance to Hip Hop, practice a certain religion, practice no religion, partake in the nightlife, partake in politics, partake in your brand of politics, be able to undertake DIY projects at home, know how to change a light bulb, be well read, well-traveled, well mannered, well dressed, eat everything, eat only vegan food, eat anything you cook, cook, clean, and generally rock your world.

 

But, at the end of the day, all that will really matter when it comes down to it, is whether your partner is able to commit to being with you right to the very end. Because he/she may embody all of the above, but will they be there when your cards are down? When you can no longer take care of them, and in fact fully rely on them taking care of you? To feed you when you can’t feed yourself, bathe you when you can’t bathe yourself, and sit with you at your bedside every single day and night, no matter how painful and difficult it is, holding your hand right to the very end? And more importantly, do all of the above in return for your partner?

 

I watched my father do that for my mother throughout her entire illness and though it was difficult, my mother passed on knowing that he was with her, right by her side, right to the very end. That to me is what love is all about, and what you really need to believe your partner can commit to before deciding to hitch your wagon to theirs. So if you can’t count on your prospective partner to deliver that and vice versa, you can go ahead and spend all your money on wedding rings, floral arrangements, ballrooms and nasi minyak to celebrate your wedding, but your marriage won't really mean a thing.

 

Taking into consideration all of the above, under the soft glow of that amber spotlight, I decided to let this wonderful man put a ring on it.

 

**

 

It’s no secret that I’ve been in several relationships, some more serious than others. Though none of them ended up working out, I try not to look back in regret or focus on the bad memories and the he saids/she saids, largely because I believe I am a product of all of my experiences, the good, the bad and the ugly. 

 

Resultantly, I've tried to remain on talking terms with most of my exes (of which all my friends have opined is truly unusual / fucked up). But I realize now that:

 

(a) I may be of the far and few amongst my exes who thinks this way, as evidenced in all of my largely unreciprocated / unwelcomed goodwill and glad tidings to them/their partners; and

 

(b) Although one must supposedly look to the past to understand the present, dwelling upon or romanticizing the past is mostly unhealthy and unproductive.

 

I suppose it is an innate function of my personality which is hard to overcome, to try not to have any residual bad blood with anyone and try to be best friends with the whole world. So, I’ve learnt the hard way that even with the best of intentions, you can’t please everyone and you most definitely can't make the whole world love you. Haters gonna hate, potatoes gonna potate.

 

I suppose it is the least I can do for my future husband, to genuinely let go of the past. He travels relatively light with minimal emotional baggage, if any. And though I’ve been operating under the assumption that I have been as well, I think I’ve just been kidding myself for a while now, unknowingly towing with me these grand delusions that I could be best buds with all of my exes because we are all that emotionally well-adjusted. Right.

 

So, as part of my rehabilitation program of not giving a shit anymore, I’m sending a big final so long and thanks for all the fish message to every man who made me cry/I made cry for making me the person I am today. Although I was never the best girlfriend, I tried my hardest to be the best ex-girlfriend I could be. I wish you all well in all of your future endeavors and may our paths never cross again (but if they happen to, I promise to pretend not to know who you are).

 

**

 

Getting married is a big deal. But I don’t think of it as being the beginning or the end of life as I know it. In the (hopefully) long and incredible passage of life, I was just lucky to have found someone that I’d like to hitch my wagon to.